When Jack passed away, 7 years ago, still seems like yesterday sometimes, he was trying to save for his first tattoo. He knew exactly what he wanted and knew what it was going to cost him. He could have done it that month in May or it might have been 2 years later, Jack wasn’t good at saving money. Since his accident I live with many regrets, him not getting that tattoo before he died is just one of many. Regrets cut deep.

Everyone that knows our family and knows Jack’s story knows that Jack tended to spend his money on others in need, which is how the #loveBIG foundation came to be. I think it gave Jack great joy to do for others. “Joy” is a difficult concept after child loss. There is a lot of personal guilt associated with having “joy”, it does not feel right. I often feel like I don’t deserve it. At some point a year or so after Jack died I was explaining that to a friend and he said “amor fati”.  What? He said it’s Latin, look it up. So I did: “The phrase “amor fati”  is Latin that roughly translates to “love of fate” or “love of one’s fate.” The idea is one that’s used to describe a state of mind that allows you and I to accept, and even embrace, everything that happens around us in our pursuit of a good life. In other words, we must find “joy” in our circumstance. Practitioners of Amor Fati argue that it isn’t enough to simply bear what life throws our way; instead, we should try to embrace and even cherish both the highs, more difficult situations, and lows we find ourselves in.”

I had to sit with that concept for a long time before it really made sense to me. I have to have “joy” in my life while I wait to see my son again. Joy for my wife and my girls and the friends that matter. Joy for my Faith that assures that Jack and I will be reunited and I will hear his laugh and get one of his famous bear hugs. Life would not be worth living without joy. It dawned on me that “amor fati” would make a cool tattoo for me, but there had to be more than just the phrase. So I stuck that Latin and the understanding of its meaning in my pocket and tried to live it while I looked to complete the idea for a tattoo. About a year ago, I don’t remember how or who or when, grief brain you know, I picked up on the meaning of a lotus flower. It means many things in different cultures but check this, “Because lotuses rise from the mud without stains and they return to the murky water each evening and open their blooms at the break of day, lotus flowers are celebrated as symbols of strength, persistence resilience, and rebirth.” It took strength, persistence and resilience and a rebirth of sorts to be able to live for myself and others joyfully without guilt. Some days I fail miserably and some days so does Sarah. There are still days that I do not want to get out of bed, same for Sarah. Those days we lean in to God and each other and we just go until the Joy finds its way in. Joining “amor fati” together with the lotus flower completed my idea for a tattoo. I knew instantly that it had to happen. I sat down with a great artist on a Saturday afternoon in April and 4 1/2 hours later, JOY! Playing on Sarah’s first year of 13 things on the 13th…

Here is my list for year seven- straight from my grief stricken simple minded thinking:     
1.    We are on this earth for a short time     
2.    We all have struggles     
3.    If you are feeling sorry for yourself, look around at what others are going through. You have it OK
4.    Do not carry guilt that you cannot alter     
5.    Live kindly     
6.    Find a way to help others     
7.    Practice being selfless     
8.    Love those that matter to you, fiercely
9. Always forgive, no one says you have to forget
10. Do the right thing
11. Surround yourself with your people and put your energy there – while always being open to expand the circle     
12. Have Faith in our Savior. He assures me that I will see my son soon and spend all eternity with those I love.     
13. JOY

Two weeks ago Sarah and I got to travel to Missouri to share in a beautiful wedding ceremony for my niece Claire and her new husband Jake.  I would like to tell you the story sometime, because it represents a Christ centered love story for the ages.  They are perfect for each other and their placement of God first in their relationship will always guide their marriage. 

We had to leave Olivia at home for this trip for a school function and Sarah was a little anxious about that, but Abbie was flying in to meet us and we were excited to see our oldest.  All of the way to Missouri, Sarah didn’t feel good, but we wrote that off to a stressful week of work and looked forward to the weekend to come. We arrived in time to witness a really cool rehearsal dinner and saw a group of amazing young people celebrating Claire and Jake.  Sarah still didn’t feel “right”, her words so we went back to the hotel early with Abbie and went to bed. 

Saturday brought a day of hanging out with family and in the early evening we headed to the wedding.  Sarah was still complaining of her neck and shoulder hurting and I told her that we needed to check that out when we got home.  I didn’t get to sit with her and Abbie at the ceremony or the reception because I was running the music for both.  I introduced the wedding party and we all ate dinner and it was time for speeches and the first dance.  Claire and Jake were beautiful together and I was feeling a little melancholy that Jack would never have that earthly experience.

All of a sudden I hear my brother in law screaming my name and telling me Sarah is sick.  When I get to the other side of the tent, she is in the grass with Abbie holding her head and screaming “Mom, Mom, Mom”! As I get to her she is not conscious, Abbie is crying and I cannot wrap my head around what is happening.  I decide that Sarah is having a heart attack, her pulse is thready, she can’t breathe and when she opens her eyes she is clutching her chest and can’t breathe or speak. There is a wonderful lady who is a nurse that comes in to my field of vision, I manage to tell someone to call 9-1-1, an ambulance is on the way. I am now holding Sarah and thinking, how do Abbie and Olivia survive losing their Mom? I have memories of having to call Abbie and tell her about Jack. I remember Abbie’s guttural reaction when I told her and I am thinking, I cannot make that call to Olivia. My wife is going to die in my arms and I have no idea how I will go on without her. 

The ambulance arrives and my wife is now fighting me and not wanting to go with them and not wanting me to leave her, but she still cannot breathe and her pulse is all over the place and her oxygen levels are not good.  We get her on the stretcher and up the long hill to the ambulance.  They get her loaded and head to the hospital.  Abbie and I ride in our car, with someone else driving.  I keep seeing the lights of the ambulance going on for a while then off, then on again. The friend driving my car tells me that this is a good sign, they are not in a hurry, but in my mind I am wondering if Sarah has died in that ambulance and there is no need to hurry.  I am irrational and I am mad that I am unable to fix this.  I am also thinking that if the worst has happened, my wife will be with my son, and she would not think that was a bad thing, but I would be really mad at her for leaving us. 

When I walk in to the ER, Abbie and I can hear her talking to the ER doc and she is mad that they are making her undress in front of them, Abbie kind of smiles at me and says, “I think she is doing better!” The ER doc comes out and explains that he is extremely worried about her heart. She is either having a heart attack or some type of Aortic episode. He wants a CAT scan and an MRI of her chest and shoulder. He tells me she is not out of trouble yet and he needs those tests immediately. He informs me that we are at the best level 1 trauma center for 200 miles and that she is in good hands, then she is gone.  He has a lot of questions for me about our weekend and things going on in our lives. HA! He was not prepared for the story he got, at this point I want my wife fixed, so he gets our whole story. Jack, missed weddings, sadness and heart break, our daughter back in Kentucky…I even tell him about a tattoo that my wife got that morning, like that could have anything to do with anything.  He takes it all in and then he is gone.  Ten minutes they tell us, 20 minutes max and they will bring Sarah back.  2 ½ hours later they bring her back, she is feeling a little better but still has tremendous pressure in her chest. I have to be honest, she looks exhausted and scared and embarrassed about all of the fuss, but she kisses me and tells me she loves me and I feel myself breathe for the first time in 3 hours.  I sit there and hold her hand and we wait for the doctor to come in with the test results. 

When he comes in, he says, “Mrs. Paris, you have a very healthy heart and all of the tests are unremarkable. I think you have pulled or torn a muscle in your shoulder and neck.” He then sat down and asked a lot of questions about Jack.  He also asked about Abbie and Olivia and their ages in relation to Jack.

He then began to cry, see the doctor has three kids, a boy sandwiched by two girls, all three years apart and he cannot fathom what we are dealing with. He asked us about our Faith and I tell him that our relationship with Christ is what has kept us going through all of this and he just nods his head. He says to Sarah, “I am going to release you and I need you to go rest. When you get home, I need you to see your doctor and I also want you to see your counselor and explain to them what is going on.  He adds, I would like for you to google a topic, it’s called “Broken Heart Syndrome.” It is real and stress and anxiety can bring on an episode that perfectly mimics a heart attack and I think that this is what has occurred tonight.

I am thinking as I am listening to him, “brother, you have no idea!” I will suffer with broken heart syndrome for all of my days, maybe not as severe as what I have witnessed in Sarah this day, but yes, every day. I will never know what Jack’s wedding day will look like.  But I do have this, Jack is with our Father and he is joyous and some day we will be reunited. Not today Sarah, this was not the day, but soon and I am ready for that as I know you are, but I am also so very thankful that you did not leave us, because we can live with joy in this world while we wait for our eternal home. We will live and survive and thrive, but we will do all of that with a broken heart, for all of our days.

Two years and two months ago, your old dirt bike showed up in my garage from the barn.  I came home from work one afternoon and it was in pieces where your mom usually parked her car.  I asked you what you were doing, and you said you were fixing it to sell. You needed money. Boy you always needed money!

Jack since you were 2 years old, if you could get your hands on my tools you would take stuff apart. I never had a problem with that, however you never put the stuff back together and for years we would find pieces of things just “laying around”.  I reminded you of that the day I found the dirt bike in the garage and you just laughed that laugh and smiled that smile, everyone who knew you knows that smile. “This time it will be different” you said!  I am pretty sure we both laughed at that.

Two months later, no progress had been made on the dirt bike and the unthinkable happened.  I could not bring myself to do anything with it and after I was able to breathe again, I reattached the parts and left it right there.  For the next year every time your mom pulled in the garage or I walked through we saw that dirt bike sitting right there in front of her car.  You should know that it brought both of us a strange comfort.  You had literally ridden the tires off of it.  That is why it was in the barn to begin with. We knew how much joy that dirt bike had given you and it made both of us smile.  After about a year I finally had the heart to put it back in the barn, but I could not bring myself to do anymore with it.  I certainly could not let someone else have it, it was yours.

As I sit here writing this and thinking about that dirt bike, I realize that all of your life you left pieces of yourself “laying around” everywhere you went.  You would take a piece of yourself and give it to someone else.  It was how you served others.  It is a really good thing that your heart was so big, because that is the piece that you left or gave to others most often. 

Today it has been 2 years since we lost you, and we are still finding pieces of you laying around.  I hope that it never ends.  Your Mom and I and your sisters have things happen every week that reminds us of a piece of you. Your effect on others is still present and we use your #loveBIG foundation to make sure it stays that way.

Olivia’s school graciously allowed us to host #loveBIG day at the ballpark yesterday and a piece of you was shared with everyone that attended.  As they went out and told someone about what they had experienced, as they decided to #loveBIG, a piece of what you left “laying around” was picked up by someone else. That is what I love most about what we are trying to do, it allows us to continue finding pieces of you and giving them to others.

I told someone last week that I might sell your dirt bike.  The next night some boys, about your age when your accident happened, showed up and wanted to buy it.  Son, I sold your dirt bike. Those boys were so happy to have it and I knew that it was about to bring a lot of joy to someone else.  I smiled as I told them about you and told them about #loveBIG, and all of the fun that you had on that bike. I helped them load the dirt bike in the back of their truck and strap it down. As I watched that piece of you drive away, I had tears in my eyes but that was the piece of you that I found “laying around” last week.  Every memory is precious, and I treasure them.  What brings me the greatest comfort and what I think brings everyone who knew you the greatest comfort is that a piece of you is in all of our hearts.  That piece of you will never be left “laying around”.  We carry it with us everywhere we go.

We miss you Jack and we #loveBIG in your honor every day.

Today is 11 months. I count still, I cannot help myself. So many things have happened, have gone on, have changed in this world, all of them in your absence.

The foundation is starting to crawl and grow, people have given donations and bought car decals and t-shirts and we have already had requests for assistance. I am educating myself on ways to make a difference to kids in any way that I can. I am teaching a Junior Achievement course to middle schoolers, I am getting involved in the Hope Center and working with people who are trying to rebuild themselves, I am offering a smile to everyone, but especially those who really look like they could use one and I am trying to breathe deeply when people frustrate me and think before I speak. All of those years that mom and I spent telling you to count to ten before you took any action. HaHa! At the end of the day I find myself wanting to do things to make you proud of me, like you spent so many years trying to make me proud of you. I am proud of you son!

We have spent many months trying to find joy and struggle through the “firsts”…. A “first” holiday without you, “first” birthdays without you, “first” vacations without you, life without you. Somewhere along the way, for the whole family, our thought process has shifted to the “lasts” with you. It is an odd transformation. We went to Destin last week to play softball and spend some time in the sun. It was the “last” vacation we took with you. We ate at What-A-Burger, of course, and we talked about the “last” time you ate there with us. We took a walk on the beach with Uncle Mike and Aunt Lez and we talked about it being the “last” time you saw the ocean. We took some of your ashes with us and left them at that spot (30° 23’ 35.538 N, 86° 35’ 28.608 W) where you had so much fun with Mason and Chris and Ethan. Obviously, that brought tears, but also so much joy knowing the week you had had. Again a “last”.

We are quickly approaching a year without you and that seems unimaginable. I want to spend each day striving to make someone’s life better, in some little way. I think that would make you proud. I am thankful for those opportunities, partly because they make me feel good, but mainly because I do them with a great purpose, making you proud of your old man. I wonder constantly if you see us, the way we act, the things we do. Aah, one of the mysteries of Faith in God.

I will continue to trust in God, because as painful as this life is without you, I can only get back to you through Him! I will strive to live each day with joy because I have a purpose here and it brings me a day closer to my eternal life. I know that He is with me always and especially on the days I need Him most like today.

Your mom and I laugh about all of the times that we would ask where you had been or what you had done, how often your response was, we just went on an “adventure.” When I talk to your friends they will often tell me a story with the line; I remember this one time when Jack and I were on this “adventure”…… You lived and loved so much in your short life. We have decided that we will continue to take you on our “adventures” so get ready to visit more places and I will continue to use this forum to write about the kid who inspires me to do better and make him proud! I love you son and I miss you every moment. #loveBIG #noonelovedharder