When Jack passed away, 7 years ago, still seems like yesterday sometimes, he was trying to save for his first tattoo. He knew exactly what he wanted and knew what it was going to cost him. He could have done it that month in May or it might have been 2 years later, Jack wasn’t good at saving money. Since his accident I live with many regrets, him not getting that tattoo before he died is just one of many. Regrets cut deep.
Everyone that knows our family and knows Jack’s story knows that Jack tended to spend his money on others in need, which is how the #loveBIG foundation came to be. I think it gave Jack great joy to do for others. “Joy” is a difficult concept after child loss. There is a lot of personal guilt associated with having “joy”, it does not feel right. I often feel like I don’t deserve it. At some point a year or so after Jack died I was explaining that to a friend and he said “amor fati”. What? He said it’s Latin, look it up. So I did: “The phrase “amor fati” is Latin that roughly translates to “love of fate” or “love of one’s fate.” The idea is one that’s used to describe a state of mind that allows you and I to accept, and even embrace, everything that happens around us in our pursuit of a good life. In other words, we must find “joy” in our circumstance. Practitioners of Amor Fati argue that it isn’t enough to simply bear what life throws our way; instead, we should try to embrace and even cherish both the highs, more difficult situations, and lows we find ourselves in.”
I had to sit with that concept for a long time before it really made sense to me. I have to have “joy” in my life while I wait to see my son again. Joy for my wife and my girls and the friends that matter. Joy for my Faith that assures that Jack and I will be reunited and I will hear his laugh and get one of his famous bear hugs. Life would not be worth living without joy. It dawned on me that “amor fati” would make a cool tattoo for me, but there had to be more than just the phrase. So I stuck that Latin and the understanding of its meaning in my pocket and tried to live it while I looked to complete the idea for a tattoo. About a year ago, I don’t remember how or who or when, grief brain you know, I picked up on the meaning of a lotus flower. It means many things in different cultures but check this, “Because lotuses rise from the mud without stains and they return to the murky water each evening and open their blooms at the break of day, lotus flowers are celebrated as symbols of strength, persistence resilience, and rebirth.” It took strength, persistence and resilience and a rebirth of sorts to be able to live for myself and others joyfully without guilt. Some days I fail miserably and some days so does Sarah. There are still days that I do not want to get out of bed, same for Sarah. Those days we lean in to God and each other and we just go until the Joy finds its way in. Joining “amor fati” together with the lotus flower completed my idea for a tattoo. I knew instantly that it had to happen. I sat down with a great artist on a Saturday afternoon in April and 4 1/2 hours later, JOY! Playing on Sarah’s first year of 13 things on the 13th…
Here is my list for year seven- straight from my grief stricken simple minded thinking:
1. We are on this earth for a short time
2. We all have struggles
3. If you are feeling sorry for yourself, look around at what others are going through. You have it OK
4. Do not carry guilt that you cannot alter
5. Live kindly
6. Find a way to help others
7. Practice being selfless
8. Love those that matter to you, fiercely
9. Always forgive, no one says you have to forget
10. Do the right thing
11. Surround yourself with your people and put your energy there – while always being open to expand the circle
12. Have Faith in our Savior. He assures me that I will see my son soon and spend all eternity with those I love.
13. JOY
