5 years… still a grieving mamma
I can’t explain why this May 13th is harder or more dreaded than all of them since 2017. Maybe because I didn’t think I could make it 5 minutes, days, months, much less, years. I honestly dread every May.
It is the anticipation of the 13th, but it is also the yard work that comes with spring, that was your responsibility that now falls to us. It is the cars that drive a bit too fast with the windows down and loud music up because the weather if finally turning. It is also graduations, engagements, weddings, and Mother’s Day. All life transitions and accomplishments that you will never enjoy and we will never celebrate as a family. I am happy for your friends as they continue their journeys, but I’m jealous and sad too. None of that is any different than the prior years so why is this year so much heavier?
As I try to identify the weight of 5 years, it’s just a number, I realize that the world did not stop and wait for me to finish grieving. Nothing fell apart without your smile, your hugs, your made-up words, and the fast food you delivered to friends because you really just wanted to drive your car. Not even me. Shouldn’t I have fallen apart? How could I have left your home? Sold your dirt bike? Gotten new puppies? Taken amazing vacations? Laughed? And the list goes on… The weight just might be guilt that I made it 5 years without you. Not only that, but I had wonderful, memorable moments in those years.
Bottom line… I don’t know why the 5 year mark is a struggle. What I do know is…
· Time does not heal all wounds.
· Nobody knows what to say, so they often don’t say anything, which is lonely.
· I love telling and hearing Jack stories and I twinge when it hits me again that there will not be new ones.
· I still don’t know how to answer when asked how many kids I have- honesty shuts down the conversation and leaving you out just feels wrong.
· No event occurs- church services, weddings, funerals, vacations, moves, new tattoos, graduations, going to the movies- that you are not thought of and your reaction pictured and discussed by this family.
· Some days, I jump out of bed and start the day and other days I can’t imagine dragging out of bed realizing you aren’t here. But I do get out of bed.
· As sad as it is to lose others we love, like Grandpa and Cousin Ryan, I am jealous that they are with you and our Father enjoying the ultimate home.
· You would be so proud of your sisters and your dad!
· #loveBIG Foundation established in your honor has helped many go to camp, have Christmas, play sports, transitioned addicts to working lives with cars and living arrangements and most recently endowed a scholarship for those needing assistance to attend vocational schools.
And… while the wound is healed a bit, it doesn’t take much to knock the scab off because after 5 years… I am still a grieving mama.