Last Friday I was looking at the calendar to plan this week. This is always the last thing I do before I shut down on a Friday. I am a planner and I need to make sure going into the weekend I am confident in my preparedness. I saw the date for this Friday. The 13th of every month stands out for our family, as much as I would like to say this will go away, after 34 months I am pretty sure the date will always create a gut tightening. But Fridays that are on the 13th are particularly difficult. Even though it was last Friday when I noticed, the loop of the night of the accident began playing in my head. I know what we were all wearing, what shows were on TV, where we had dinner, what shopping we did that night, where the dogs were when the knock came… and from there I can hear the conversations, feel the helplessness, the questioning, the defeat.
What was one of my first thoughts when I heard the words that changed our lives? We don’t have any Toilet Paper! We had used the last that night at about 8 and I said I would worry about it Saturday and Kleenex would do. Then… the knock… and when the door closes behind the coroner and I look at Nathan and Olivia and say, “We don’t have any Toilet Paper.” The first person that showed up the next morning, Jordan Branham, Jack’s Young Life Director, asked what they could do and I said, “We need Toilet Paper.” While this seems completely unimportant in the grand scheme of what was going on in our household, to me it was a priority. I will never know why. (Although I did read an article this week that part of this innate need to have TP is because that is one thing we can control.) Interestingly, we received enough Toilet Paper from our community in the next week that we didn’t buy any for at least six months. It was such a relief to not have to go out in public when my heart was breaking and I didn’t want to see anybody and could just go to the garage and grab the next roll. It seems so silly and inconsequential but when I think back now, that Toilet Paper stock brought great relief.
I make a mental note to prepare emotionally for this Friday so I am not caught off guard. The other advantage to planning ahead. As the week progresses, my attention derails and I discover that I was totally unprepared for the week. I have seen comments about each day of this week feeling like a month. I couldn’t agree more. For those of us that are planners, this week was a living nightmare. Each moment the plan changing. Right when we adapt, another update, another change. COVID-19 knocked on our doors. At first, I will be honest, I was poking fun at the craziness. I refused to buy into the panic that was building.
But as the week went on, COVID-19 began to disrupt our families ability to do our jobs (we both travel and have meetings), but even more so…the market. We work in finance and spend our days telling everybody to “stay the course”… retirement is a long term investment, but at night we check our accounts and wonder what is the best thing to do. The joking slows down a bit. We become torn between refusing to buy in, to wondering if we should stock up on Toilet Paper and food. Yes, we know that COVID-19 is not a gastrointestinal illness, but we don’t ever want that to be our first concern if tragedy strikes again. I’m sure the Branham’s don’t want to get the call to bring us TP again!
Then I pick up on the fact that my 18 year old is not herself. Of course through the week we have had discussions about her Senior Softball Season being in jeopardy and I remind her that missing softball to keep G Pa safe is worth it. And while her head understands, her disappointment is obvious. Finally, she admits that she feels a profound sadness. She compares it to a weight on her shoulders that she hasn’t felt this extremely since 2017. It’s more than softball she admits, it is lack of control. It is the unknown. It is the ultimate question of should I make fun of the craziness, be angry about it’s effect on my life, or be in fear.
Olivia… we get it! We are caught in the same circular thinking. One minute wanting to say, get over it people. The next minute, angry that we will miss your Sr. Season. The next minute, fearful for G Pa and Grana and Nannie and all the people that won’t get a check and all the small businesses that will go bankrupt and all the people that won’t have food or the ability to pay their bills and the kids that only get a hug or affirmation at school and …and…and… the list goes on.
Today is the 13th. As I debated if I can get out of bed this morning, I have those debates a lot and 99% of the time my feet hit the floor, my mind goes to what the day is and what else can rock my world today. I ask myself if anything that COVID-19 brings can be worse than what Friday May 13th, 2017 brought and I am ashamed. Ashamed that I am so self absorbed. After some puppy snuggles, thank you Mo and Gus, I pick up my phone and before my feet hit the floor I call the principal at Jack’s school and ask how I can show his kids some love during this unknown. Some of his students depend on school for food, utilities, and affirmation. After all it is the 13th. The day I am supposed to be reminded each month to #loveBIG everyday because you don’t know what tomorrow brings. Love is a Verb.
I can’t…Olivia can’t… Nathan can’t…. Abbie can’t… nobody can know what the next month or six months holds. What we can control is how we respond. I am not saying I won’t continue to have circular conversations with myself. I am saying, that the ultimate action that results from those conversations needs to be to show up for my community and others that are most vulnerable right now. Please remember the foundation if you hear of youth struggling during this time. We educate and advocate and that really means… we show up and #loveBIG. I will even share my Toilet Paper because after all was said and done, Nathan ordered me 96 rolls from Amazon so I wouldn’t have to worry.
