Recently as we were updating some things in our home something was nagging at me. You know the feeling that something doesn’t feel right, but when you run through everything in your head you can’t put your finger on it. As we got to the end of the updates and began re-hanging pictures it smacked me in the face. I had new pictures of my girls to hang. Hairstyles changed, face shape a bit more mature, and clothing styles fresh. Jack Paris is frozen in time. His picture won’t change. No updates coming. It didn’t seem right to update the girls and not his. I really had no option, unless I wanted to leave the older pictures of the girls so I chalked it up to another thing to get used to and forced myself to move on.

Not a week later, I was asked for a picture of him so that a group of women that had not gotten to meet him could put a face and a name together. I love getting to share his pictures and stories and quickly grabbed my phone. When I landed on my camera roll, it was painful to have to scroll and scroll to get to his pictures. You see, in the past 22 months I have continued to take pictures. Actually, I have taken even more as I now know to cherish every moment and want it captured even if I’m having a bad hair day.

How can I capture what the 20 year Jack would have looked like? Interestingly, there are websites that offer age progression photos of your lost loved one. While I can’t imagine doing this, I certainly understand the desire and relate to the overwhelming need to know. I shared with a few my struggle, including those in my grief group, and I always received a head nod and confirmation that this is a part of it.

Then this week I had the opportunity to share about the #loveBIG Foundation with a community group. This was my first speaking opportunity and, although I never struggle for words, I decided to prepare a “speech” just in case I stumbled. It didn’t take long for me to go off script. Of course the best way to introduce the Foundation is to explain the heart and actions of Jack. I do love to talk of my boy, but soon I found I was also excited to share what we accomplished last year, our goals for the future, and my heartfelt desire to help the Jacks of the world. Knowing we have already been able to help some and the possibilities of what is to come.

It dawned on me as I was driving home and reviewing what I could have done better or what should be changed that these are my new pictures of Jack. I will find his face in the face of the youth that we are able to help through #loveBIG. I don’t know that I will go as far as to hang pictures in my house of those faces- perhaps so- but as we have #loveBIG events and I add pictures to my phone those will be the most recent pictures of Jack. Hopefully, there will be so many events and opportunities that the scroll will not take too long. I will always cherish the pics I do have of my blue eyed, blonde headed boy with the priceless smile (thank you Knight, Whale, and Chalothorn Orthodontics for great work!), but I am prepared to invest in the foundation work and identify new faces for my walls.