Happy Birthday Jack Paris! This is your second birthday that we will celebrate without the ability to hug you, tease you, make you wear a funny hat at dinner, or endure a wait staff rendition of Happy Birthday. The choice we must make is how to address your birthday. Last year, we gathered at Buffalo Wild Wings as we knew you would have chosen and invited your friends to join us. Ms. Kim and Sarah Beth brought a cake. We took pics and shared stories. It was fun, hard, and something we all “just got through”. We were so thankful to have so many join us that night; adults that worked so hard to help you in school and in life, your friends that showed up for you consistently including in death, the girl you dreamed of marrying, and of course your Grands. You know Gpa is not a fan of BWW, but he would do anything to honor you. More than once they ate places they didn’t care for just to spend time with you.
So much has happened this year that was sparked by your unconditional love of others. #loveBIG Foundation took off and we are making progress with name recognition, fund raising, and providing assistance. How do we spend January 18th this year? Do we have a foundation event? A birthday meal? Stay In? Go Out? Who do we invite? The same friends that showed up for us last year or those that we have gotten to know this year through Jack stories?
You see, we randomly have kids we don’t know stop us and share stories of how you “saved them”. Those are their words. Often their stories include how mad they were at you and how they wouldn’t talk to you because you shared their secrets with adults you trusted to step in, but now- in hindsight- they are thankful and could really go for a great big Jack hug right now. Couldn’t we all! We have adults in the community share a time you helped them. Maybe we should spend the day just “helping”- holding doors, smiling, carrying groceries, changing tires, sharing food, listening, telling people to “cheer up buttercup”, raising the flag at Safe Harbor, taking fast food to hungry friends, driving people to work or school, fixing broken equipment or volunteering to cut grass at Bluegrass Challenge Academy. You see these are a few things we heard you did without thinking twice.
We were blinded by what you didn’t do. You didn’t invest in school. You didn’t finish projects, as our garage still attests too. You didn’t stick with a sport or activity. You didn’t clean your room, do your laundry, or follow the rules about dogs on beds and drinks in rooms. You didn’t answer texts from your Grands or sisters. You didn’t know your work schedule beyond the next day. You didn’t follow the speed limit. You didn’t quit hanging with our idea of a bad crowd just because we worried what others would think. You didn’t stop smoking, vaping, and various other activities that we weren’t supposed to know about. You didn’t make plans beyond, I’m 18, graduated, and I have all this new found freedom. The frustration your dad and I had with how to address these behaviors and other rule breaking can’t be summarized in a blog post. We did everything we could to figure out your brain, your thought process, and your choices. While going through this journey, we thought we were the only parents with this struggle. Other kids might not do their homework or might break curfew, but we didn’t think anybody in our community was walking our path.
We were wrong. The most inquires we have received about the foundation surround these types of parenting frustrations. Many don’t need financial help, they need to know how to raise a teenager that is struggling with the same issues that you did. They need the same resources we needed- it takes a village after all. They thought they were the only parents experiencing these concerns because nobody in the community talks about life with the Jack’s of the world. Aren’t we all supposed to have picture perfect kids that achieve all while being an athlete and homecoming king? Every story shared with me by a desperate parent that wants a resource or advice, breaks my heart and reminds me of where we were. Why do we not all have real conversations and support each other in this crazy journey? It is hard because if you talk about these frustrations you worry your kid won’t be included or invited or loved. You worry that their siblings will be held accountable for the behavior of their brother or sister. You worry about the stink eye in Kroger. I don’t have the answer for these parents, but I listen, share the resources I used, and go back to the stories that we have heard since your accident. All the stuff we didn’t see or know. All the things you were doing right. Many times I have said, if only I had known. I want to give the frustrated parents reaching out to me a picture into what they might not be seeing. I also challenge them to find a group that will be a resource to listen and help. A group like the birthday club we had join us last year. I go back to all the people that showed up last year for your birthday because those people also showed up for you in life. When your dad and I were at our wits end, these people could take over loving you or pick us up off the floor. So for your birthday we are going to make sure to thank that village of people and gift them our appreciation, gratitude, and show them the meaning of #loveBIG. Happy Birthday Bud!