Today is 11 months. I count still, I cannot help myself. So many things have happened, have gone on, have changed in this world, all of them in your absence.

The foundation is starting to crawl and grow, people have given donations and bought car decals and t-shirts and we have already had requests for assistance. I am educating myself on ways to make a difference to kids in any way that I can. I am teaching a Junior Achievement course to middle schoolers, I am getting involved in the Hope Center and working with people who are trying to rebuild themselves, I am offering a smile to everyone, but especially those who really look like they could use one and I am trying to breathe deeply when people frustrate me and think before I speak. All of those years that mom and I spent telling you to count to ten before you took any action. HaHa! At the end of the day I find myself wanting to do things to make you proud of me, like you spent so many years trying to make me proud of you. I am proud of you son!

We have spent many months trying to find joy and struggle through the “firsts”…. A “first” holiday without you, “first” birthdays without you, “first” vacations without you, life without you. Somewhere along the way, for the whole family, our thought process has shifted to the “lasts” with you. It is an odd transformation. We went to Destin last week to play softball and spend some time in the sun. It was the “last” vacation we took with you. We ate at What-A-Burger, of course, and we talked about the “last” time you ate there with us. We took a walk on the beach with Uncle Mike and Aunt Lez and we talked about it being the “last” time you saw the ocean. We took some of your ashes with us and left them at that spot (30° 23’ 35.538 N, 86° 35’ 28.608 W) where you had so much fun with Mason and Chris and Ethan. Obviously, that brought tears, but also so much joy knowing the week you had had. Again a “last”.

We are quickly approaching a year without you and that seems unimaginable. I want to spend each day striving to make someone’s life better, in some little way. I think that would make you proud. I am thankful for those opportunities, partly because they make me feel good, but mainly because I do them with a great purpose, making you proud of your old man. I wonder constantly if you see us, the way we act, the things we do. Aah, one of the mysteries of Faith in God.

I will continue to trust in God, because as painful as this life is without you, I can only get back to you through Him! I will strive to live each day with joy because I have a purpose here and it brings me a day closer to my eternal life. I know that He is with me always and especially on the days I need Him most like today.

Your mom and I laugh about all of the times that we would ask where you had been or what you had done, how often your response was, we just went on an “adventure.” When I talk to your friends they will often tell me a story with the line; I remember this one time when Jack and I were on this “adventure”…… You lived and loved so much in your short life. We have decided that we will continue to take you on our “adventures” so get ready to visit more places and I will continue to use this forum to write about the kid who inspires me to do better and make him proud! I love you son and I miss you every moment. #loveBIG #noonelovedharder